Dreaming Out Loud
by Klarna
Summary: Kensi, Deeks and the inevitable yet dreaded kids talk. Set post 7x12 "Core Values" with slight spoilers and mentioning of the upcoming ep 7x19 where this particular topic is rumored to be discussed.
**Author's Note:** So rumors have it that next week's episode will feature a Densi kids talk, so I thought I'd post attempt at such a conversation before the writer's come with their probably awesome version. This was written after 7x12 "Core Values". Just never got to post it, until I came across some spoilers the other day. So. Here goes...

 **Disclaimer:** Obviously not mine.

 **DREAMING OUT LOUD**

After an encore of Twinkle Twinkle, the little bundle in Kensi's arms is miraculously asleep. If he only knew what is going on around him...

Deeks glances at his partner who's still seems to be completely smitten with the tiny creature in her arms. The baby is quiet, sleeping peacefully and hopefully unaware of that his father is fighting for his life behind their backs.

It takes another ten minutes of profound silence between the two partners, before Jamie comes back out from her husband's room to relieve them from their brief baby sitting duty. She thanks them again before a nurse comes to wheel her back to her own room.

As they walk back out to the car, Kensi feels her partner sneaking glances at her.

"What?" She finally relents upon climbing into the Audi.

"Nothing."

"Deeks. Spit it out." How can he for a moment think he can fool her? She knows when he's thinking of something and is dying to share. Or more like ask. Annoy her. Tease her probably.

"You ever been pregnant?" He says it fast and looks both embarrassed and teasing, an odd combination. But his eyes show some level of seriousness. Meaning it's not the first time this has crossed his mind and that he's wanted to ask her this before.

"Had one or two scares in college but nope. Never been for real though... " She shrugs. "What about you?"

"What? Have I ever been pregnant?" He grins, which earns him a slap to the shoulder.

"Idiot. You ever knock anybody up?"

"Nope."

"You sure?" She raises an eyebrow in mockery, because let's face it, she knows he had a life before her. A life featuring several different women in within pretty short periods of time. She's not stupid. And he hasn't denied it either when she's either teased him or seriously called him out on being a ladies' man. He _was_ called Party Marty after all...

"Well, of course I can't know for sure... But from what I know, no. And I like to think that I haven't."

They stare each other down in an almost awkward silence before somehow coming to an unspoken agreement to leave this discussion.

For now.

* * *

She drives them to his place (because she doesn't want to allow him to make a point by discovering the splashes of toothpaste left in her bathroom sink since the last time he spent the night, which was well over a week ago). But neither say a word. How do you naturally transition from _almost_ having _that_ talk but leaving practically everything unsaid?

The whole evening pass. Kensi stays quiet, only observing, and Deeks doesn't seem to notice since he's clearly lost in thought but keeps glancing at her every other minute. Probably to check if she's about to bring it up again. But she doesn't and instead keeps her attention on the TV.

At that, Deeks finds himself both disappointed and relieved. Mostly relieved. Because he has no idea what to say really if she were to bring it up again tonight. But considering the status of their relationship he knows he probably should at least have an inkling of what he wants. And that he can do so without being out of line.

Deeks swallows thickly, suddenly needing some space. To think.

Seeing Kensi gently rocking the little boy today, this brand new human being, had made it far too easy to picture her doing the same with a child that would actually be theirs. An energetic, curious little boy or girl, with hazel eyes, light brown curls and a gorgeous smile. Stubborn and thoughtful, yet childishly innocent with a love of the ocean...

Gosh, he can practically see their eventual kid right before his eyes. And let's face it, they've been together officially for a year. Unofficially far longer. It's natural for him to think like this, he reminds himself for the hundredth time. Then why is he scared shitless of what might happen if he tries to talk about it again?

He thinks it's what he really wants. The whole shebang, the American dream (or well, as close as you can get in their line of work). Like he'd told Security Chief Oaks; there have been close calls, for both of them. And every time he comes a little too close to both knives, bombs and guns, he's thought of everything he's never done in his life. Having a family making the top of the list nowadays.

The doubt he feels probably has more to do with if wanting it is the best idea... The mere thought of him being a dad.. It's ridiculous. How could he be when his own was a piece of crap and he really has zero experience with good father figures?

And just look at the Pattersons today... Jamie being forced to have their baby without her husband by her side. A moment that was meant for the both of them, but instead the Gunnery Sergeant had been in his own hospital bed, fighting for his life. There is just so much that can go wrong, so much potential loss. It was always Kensi's main argument for fighting their relationship for so long. Their jobs are dangerous and Deeks hates to admit that _if_ he and Kensi ever were to have kids, their child would grow up knowing that mom and dad might now come home from work...

But despite that, Deeks still thinks he wants it. At least to give it a try. But in the other hand, unlike other scary things in life, parenthood isn't something to just try out for a while and then back off if it's not for you. It's a life long commitment. And Marty Deeks may be a damn good cop, a good boyfriend to Kensi and a loyal friend and teammate. A decent citizen in general.

But commitment have never been his strong suit. He's never really needed to make such an effort so far. Never really been forced to shoulder any heavier responsibilities other than finishing the job. Getting out on the other side, preferably in one piece. Nailing the bad guys after working for months to gain their trust.

And even if he's gotten the hang of most things he's tried on so far in his life, he's not as certain he'll ever feel the same about being someone's daddy...

At least nothing can deny that he's committed to Kensi now. Their jobs. Their life. Committed in such a way that one day, not that far into the future the question about kids will come up again even if they don't finish it tonight.

And after today, Deeks suspects he has a fair idea of where Kensi stands on the matter.

It's funny really, because in the beginning of their partnership, he questioned whether she was one of those people who hates kids. She just didn't feel like a kid person. Nothing she said or did indicated that her biological clock was ticking, even when he teased her.

He remembers even saying something about little Martys, about the two of them playing house, back when they agreed to babysit Kamran. But that, compared to the talk they almost had today, was just harmless teasing. He hadn't meant anything by it. And he'd definitely not had to consider the impacts of her answer on his own future chance at parenthood. But now her thoughts on the matter really will affect him too.

The more he thinks about it, Deeks realizes that he would actually be pretty disappointed if it turns out Kensi does not after all, want to have kids. Ever.

Because being heartbroken today by seeing a new family already on the brink of being torn apart... Seeing Kensi relating to losing a father, to be open about it. Seeing Kensi WITH a baby in her arms. Tentative but never really reluctant like she used to be... Oh man... If he hadn't known before he was done, today most definitely proved it to him.

Some people say there's just something about seeing a man with a baby the makes all kinds of clocks tick in most women. Apparently it's the other way around too... Said woman also happening to being the love of your life certainly helps.

And let's face it; he has to be rational about this too. He just turned 37. Kensi is barely three years behind. They've been partners for almost 6 years. A couple for a little over a year. There is nothing "too early" or too crazy about him thinking about this. Wanting it. Right?

It's just that he's never been forced to really give it some serious thought. Much less talk about with the woman he's seeing. How does one start this talk anyway? He thought they got off to a fairly good start earlier?

Suddenly it feels like he has to make a choice. Not just what he wants in general but what he's actually ready for right now and in the near future. Question himself like he once questioned Kensi's desire to have children, no matter if it was just teasing back then.

Now it's serious. He knows Sam has already discussed it with Kensi, she told him as much. Roberta sure has brought it up and he suspects Julia, despite not being as blunt and straightforward as his own mother, has hinted about it to Kensi as well.

As another young girl with dreams of walking the runways cries bitterly on his television, Deeks hates to admit that he's slightly envious of the girl for at least getting her ambitions straight.

It's not until a few hours later when they curl up in his bed (more like their bed) that he finally can't stand it any longer. Maybe talking about it will help straighten out his thoughts.

* * *

"I think I wanna have kids," he whispers, testing the words and it comes out almost like a question rather than a statement.

In the silence of the house she hears him loud and clear. He feels her tense slightly but she doesn't move away from him. He holds his breath as he listens to her do the opposite. Kensi takes a few deep breaths, turning her head on the pillow to look at him in the dark.

How she reacts now will definitely determine how the entire topic of children will go from now. The real first dreaded kids talk. It's inevitable really. Just like their thing had once been.

"Okay," she says slowly and pauses for a bit. She's not surprised at his words, but maybe a little bit at the bluntness of it all. She's seen him around children for years though. Noticed how he lights up. How he looks at families almost longingly, when they're at the beach or passing the daycare center in his new neighborhood when they're walking Monty. She marvels at and loves him deeply for the fact that despite his own rough childhood, he still seems to idealize that life. Believes in it even if she suspects his belief in his own capabilities is more than unstable.

Part of her thinks that she almost owes it to him to get to experience it, what she herself had before her father was taken from her. She wants him to have something else than just bad associations with the entire concept of family. Because despite everything, she knows that in a family there is the potential of so much love. A kind of unconditional love that can't be found elsewhere. And Deeks deserves that more than anyone.

"Uhm... Do you want them now?"

Her reply takes him aback. Because she's not joking or making fun of him. She's really asking. And is she... Agreeing?

"I think we both know there's a delivery time on babies. Even if they're mutant ninja assassins."

He sees her smile in the darkness before turning serious again.

"Deeks. Come on, be serious... I know this has been bugging you all night."

"And if I said yes? That I do want them right now," he challenges. They promised each other to be bold. So he is. No more secrets.

She stares at the ceiling, carefully choosing her words. What if he does want to have kids like _right_ _now_? Does she? She'd barely been able to contain her tears today when Jamie had placed her newborn on their care. But maybe that had something to do with their situation and not so much reflecting her own thoughts on the matter. Or?

"Then... Then I'd say that... I'm not surprised or anything. But, to be honest, I don't know. It's a big deal, Deeks. Having children changes everything..."

"Yeah, it does..."

"Isn't it… A bit… you know, early?"

"It's been six years, Kens."

"More like one year…" she tries feebly.

"Kens. It's been six years. And as you so kindly reminded me the other day, I'm not 25 anymore." He trails off, recalling her playful jab regarding his age and how she hasn't even hit 35 yet.

They stay silent for another few moments.

"Is this about today? The lullabies and the cuddling and you know," she asks, hating herself for dodging the question but she knows he's right and she just needs…time.

"Yes. No… I don't know. I'm 37, Kens. And I mean, neither of us have done things the normal way, never had what others got. We didn't do the whole marry your high school sweet heart and have 2.5 kids, live happily ever after thing. Maybe we could do at least one thing the normal way. Live a little bit like everyone else."

"You sure this is not some…middle age crisis?" Kensi can't help but tease. She's stalling but she can't help it.

"I am not middle aged!"

Kensi laughs, curling up to his side and nuzzling the soft skin at his shoulder. She gets what he means. They've never gotten what everyone else seemed to get. They both grew up too fast, chose darker paths than their peers but still managed to come out on the other side. They've both spent a lot of time alone. Made sacrifices for their jobs. But really…children? Her and Deeks?!

She stays curled up to his body, face buried in his neck and hand gently stroking his jaw. Thank God he wasn't forced to shave it off. But of course she'd never admit that to his face.

"Do you think we'd be good parents?" Kensi is the one to break the silence with the question that rings the loudest in her head whenever she dares to even think about the prospect of having kids. Because one thing she does know, and that's if she is ever going to have any, it will be with Deeks. Her partner. The guy she couldn't stand when they met.

What if someone had told her then that the cocky LAPD detective posing as Jason Wyler six years later would most likely be the father of her children. Saying that things definitely change would be an understatement.

"Yeah. I think we would. I'm aware of that it wouldn't be normal per se. I mean, growing up with aunt Hetty, uncle Callen and Sam and not to talk about the wonder twins... Our kid would definitely have the most interesting contribution to career day. You know, at a strict need to know level of course since security clearance is not inherited..."

Kensi laughs now but he's right. Their child would be born into this strange world that's been their reality for so long. A completely different world than the normal one. Secluded. But close knit. Safe. Like her own had been, growing up on marine bases.

"But yeah. I think we would actually be pretty great. We must have something worth passing on to future generations, don't you think? We're decent human beings..."

Suddenly, she realizes that this is more than just feeling normal. This is strikes something deeply embedded in him. His need to prove to himself that everything he's done, however for good reasons, hasn't corrupted him completely. That this might be something for him to excel at, to get right, after a whole life of constantly doubting if he was ever good enough. A good enough son, a good enough cop, a good enough partner.

Kensi hopes to God that he at least knows that for her, he's more than enough. That she thinks he is more that what she deserves... And that she has no doubts of that if (or more like when) they have children one day, he will be nothing but a truly amazing dad. Loving, present, fun, supportive. It's so much easier picturing him as a parent than seeing herself as one.

"What if..- Do you think... Do you think anything would happen with our jobs?" Her question holds the same doubt as it had on another particular night over two years ago. The situations are completely different, yet the step forward feels equally huge and frightening. And even if this conversation scares her like hell, she knows it necessary. Another, albeit, smaller step forward. So she pushes even if it scares the hell out of her.

"I mean... To be honest, I expected them to split us up right away when they realized we were together. Having children... Deeks, I've never heard about partners starting a family together. I don't think anyone has. There's not even a rule against in the employee hand book because no one ever tried it. Workplace romances rarely even make it past the dating stage and when they do team dynamics get shifted around... You know that. Just look at Sam and Michelle."

She doesn't mean for it to come out sounding so negative, but one of her biggest fears is losing him as her partner. It's all she knows. Even if she knew she'd be going home to him as her boyfriend, not having him by her side at work would definitely feel like a huge loss, an emotional trauma really.

"Then maybe we are the exception to the rule. You know we're going to figure something out even if they split us up. They could technically do that even if we don't have kids. But. We've already conquered some really bad odds. Maybe that's our thing. Being the exception."

"Our thing..." She whispers, almost feeling nostalgic. For so long, everything between them had been labeled as their thing. Everything that wasn't maybe strictly platonic or partnerly behavior. And as long as there hadn't been any definitions, there hadn't been any rules. No expectations. No obligations either.

"Yeah. And maybe our thing could also mean getting to have a family... Kens, has this never crossed your mind? At all?" he asks, starting to worry that maybe they aren't on the same page as he first thought. Maybe they're not even on the same chapter...

"Well yeah of course it has but.. It's us! It's us, Deeks. Things have a tendency to not turn out as we plan. I just have a hard time picturing myself as a parent."

"Me neither. Come on... Just a couple of years ago I was Party Marty for God's sake! And can you imagine the looks on everyone's faces if I were to show up on the beach with a stroller, all sleep deprived and with spit up on my clothes! Half the people I know, especially everyone at LAPD, would think I had some sort of a meltdown and kidnapped _someone_ _else's_ child."

She laughs at the picture he's painting and the same part of her that gets a teeny bit jealous during their morning beach jogs when there always seems to be some woman who knows Deeks from before, can't help but love the thought of showing up at his old beach hangouts with a kid. _Their_ kid. Proving to those beach bunnies that they don't stand a chance anymore. That the free and single Party Marty has become the very much taken Daddy Marty.

"You know, I didn't use to want kids. Probably because I didn't think I'd ever get the chance. But then you came along..." He trails off, letting the words sink in. "I hate how cliché this sounds, but you sort of changed my mind."

She snickers, because he's right; it is a tremendously clichéd thing to say. But he's also right when saying they've changed each other. She didn't use to want kids either. Thought it was for the best. What kind of parent would she be anyway?

"So, what would you have said if I actually did ask to start trying like right now?" He says when they turn serious again. "Or in the near future? Do you even want this?" They've made significant progress in their talk, but the most important question yet remains to be given a straightforward answer.

"Uhm...I would tell you that his whole discussion scares the crap out of me and... That I honestly don't know if I'm ready. If _we_ are. But if you think we are... " she pauses, pondering her words while still trying to make sense of the images assaulting her mind. Midnight diaper changes. Nursery rhymes. Birthday parties. Tricycles. Cartoons. PTA meetings. Christmas mornings. Soccer practices. Dance recitals. Chasing a whirlwind of hazel locks and unrelenting energy through the halls of OSP...

"Then I trust you. And yeah, I want to. I believe in us and if you think we could do this then I believe you. And..." She pauses again, this time really feeling like she's about to jump off the proverbial cliff. Deeks is staring at her intently, absorbing her every word, probably looking for any indication that she doesn't want this at all. That she's just... humoring him. But her eyes never waver, she just bites her lip, as if bracing herself for his possible reaction. Talking about it, telling him about her own insecurities... She wants it. Someday not too far in the future. He can see it in her eyes, her body language.

She takes another deep breath. It's not that she doesn't mean what she's about to say. She does. She really does. But what it will most likely lead to is still intimidating and thrilling at the same time.

"I would also tell you that if this is what you really want now, the prescription for my pills runs out in exactly 16 days and we can take it from there."

At this, Deeks can just gape at her, his heart now pounding with the meaning of that last sentence.

"Oh."

Did that just happen? Did Kensi Blye just agree to have his children? In a rather near future. His mind starts to race again, scenarios playing out before his mind's eye before he can stop them. He even dares to entertain the possibility that next year on his 38th birthday, he could be a dad. The thought is mind blowing. And amazing. And scary. And mesmerizing. And just all kinds of surreal. But God, he wants it. Now that he knows where Kensi stands, he's more than certain he wants it.

Life might become entirely different. Soon. Life is still changing for him and nowadays for the better. And he realizes that it thrills him. The images painted in his head tonight leaves him longing for it even more than before. It's not just a vague feeling, a hazy image in the back of his head. Now the mere thought of lazy Sundays on the beach or just playing around in the backyard with a giggling toddler almost makes him tear up a little. It's like his emotions are catching up with him now that he's realized just to what extent his wants and hopes go.

He watches Kensi yawn and settle in even closer to his body. The heat of her body and the familiar weight of her arm across his waist has always been enough to calm the raging storms that overwhelms him sometimes. Like today.

He knows what he wants now. Or more like he's finally allowing himself to want it. For the first time in maybe his entire life, Deeks knows what he truly wants and not just because he should want it. Or because it's something he'll have to settle for since he doesn't deserve better. Because having his own family sounds like the best thing ever.

It still scares him half to death but after all, the biggest risks he's ever taken has so far rewarded him with the greatest things. One of them being the amazing woman quickly falling asleep in his arms.

Relaxing for the first time in a while, Deeks closes his eyes and lets sleep pull him under as well. And as it does he prepares himself for dreams that for once might have a chance of becoming reality.

–-

 **A/N:** Hopefully not too fluffy and at least somewhere in the vicinity of how this conversation will go down on Monday. Reviews are everything.

Until next time!


End file.
